Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A Little Context

First a definition: “witnessing” is the experience that meditators sometimes have of feeling the self as separate from activity. Tolle calls it Presence. I think it arises in part from an experience of Silence.
(See also, Enlightenment & Witnessing, July 6th, 2006, or The Freeze Response, July 10, 2006.)

I was thinking about this “witnessing” that keeps throwing itself into my face. And now I am totally, utterly confused. It (both the witnessing and perplexity) has been going on for so long now it’s getting on my nerves.

Over a year ago Evie and I were talking about it. Laughing really, for the bottom line back then was, “I’m either enlightened or hypoglycemic.” And I really could not decide. Now, there is the forest of Over Thought Confusion and Clueless Ignorance if ever you want a museum specimen of such an animal.

So a week or so ago, I was reviewing the conversation in my ever thinking head and once again I was having a good laugh at how stupid can I be, when I noticed… for years now I have been watching the witnessing and trying to explain it away.

I spent months, if not an entire year, watching the hypoglycemia explanation until I was really sure, “No. That’s not the cause.” So after that, I seamlessly switched to another excuse: “decongestant medicine head.” I have come up with one culprit after another, until just last week it became “Candida metabolites” and I saw the pattern in my madness.

Then it hit me, “Why all the excuses?”
“Why not just except it?”

And with these two questions finally came an authentic answer which broke upon me in tears.
“I cannot accept that.”
I realized that if enlightenment were handed to me on a platter, I’d not be able to reach out and take it.

What a strange revelation. I could not accept that which I so long for.

Well, at least now we’re getting to some really useful stupidity.

I resolved to behave differently.
Instead of excuses, how about curiosity?
What can I find out about this witnessing?
What about this Gap between me and Creation?
I’ve started looking and stopped trying to explain.

A couple days later, I wrote out “Salle de Bain Sanity.” (I hope I spelled it right- if not- Oh well. It’s not the only mistake out there; is it.)

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