Monday: [no comment]
Tuesday: [as noted on Wednesday]
Men are crying.
“If I go, I am taking all of this with me.”
[The exact words of an observation in the dining hall as I realized the extent and implications of my own dissolution. Struck me as both ludicrous and unfair to all the other people. Still is ludicrous.
I have been trying to avoid Non-existence. It never occurred to me others might appreciate my resistance also. Cause now it’s obvious: If I go, I’m taking this entire dining room and everyone in it down with me, down into the self same tube. … this to me is funny. But, maybe I’m just perverse.]
Wednesday: [“observations” are lettered, “insights” are numbered – yeah, well, I was trying.]
a) People say "thank you" at the mike now.
1) Yes, I really love you. It’s unconditional and forever. And of course, you’re not my partner. That was a role.
2) Silence makes you separate. Silence makes That also Nothing. And then it can unite.
b) I worn my shirt inside out for quite sometime today before I noticed.
Even creating a system, I am losing the ability to find my shoes after satsang.
Wendy (retreat leader) is transforming from the Soup Nazi into Space Cadet. This afternoon’s announcement, “It’s 10 ‘til four. We’ll take a 30 minute break and meet back here at 4:00. [she was carefully reading from her notes! and becoming dearer by the moment.]
Finally. I have gotten rid of the migraine. How? I forget. Last night was hardly any sleep. Belly, heart, head and electric leg.
Wrote this on an envelope:
“Silence creates separation.
When separate you see it (Creation) is not real.
Being not real it is Nothing.
Being Nothing, it too is Nothingness.
You and It together in Nothingness.”
… this whole thing is from my belly/heart – it’s more painful to see how tenuous all Creation is [than my own dissolution] – it could disappear like that (snap fingers) – and I feel such love. Incredibly deep loss, grief, and love [I am surprised to discover that Creation’s dissolution, seems more painful, intolerable than my own - as one would always grieve more for ones beloved than oneself.]
This is the love that accomplishes Unity – after the intellect separates [as] Maharishi [would say].
These insights aren’t new – what’s worth noting is my reaction (ego’s reaction) fixating on them.
That was all I wrote.
So, I got my questions of these many months (and years?) answered. The migraines come from my resisting acknowledging what I see.
I see a lot of Silence. I and see separation. Silence creates a separation.
Adya doesn’t really emphasize this step, for ultimately (and rather quickly if you don’t resist) Silence also unifies. Adya merely notes that first you must realize who you are. Then, he goes on to speak of embodying - all the details and travails undertaken after awakening to really root out the vestiges of ego.
By contrast, Maharshi emphasized all the details of that first step finding Self, pointing out that initially when you find the Self there must be separation. For in the beginning, there is a “unity of ignorance” as the self is lost in identification with the world. So first, realize who you are. He didn’t have a thing to say about embodiment except that, “Unity takes time” and “there is no technique” to create it. You simply adjust to the new reality.
I appreciate having the complementary explanations.
I really appreciate seeing so clearly what I have been resisting
and what happens
when I stop.
…So in leaving retreat, we are not actually leaving anything. In truth, there is no beginning of retreat and ending of retreat; there is simply our life as it is…
When formal retreat ends… the retreat of our life begins. This is the sacred opportunity to allow whatever you may have realized about the truth of your being to express itself in your life, in your relationships, and in the way you move through the world.