Last Monday, I "signed off" blogging.
Last Monday, I stayed home from work simply because I didn't feel like going. I wanted to just be quiet.
Today, I found this file. Appparently, I wrote it last Monday. I have absolutely no memory of doing so. I read it today a bit jarred at first - to have done so much and "never known." But then, that's happening alot lately.
At first I thought it was bad memory. Now I see I am transcending in activity. I find traces about the house of doing things I have no recollection of - refilling the kibble dish, putting oil in the frying pan and then skipping then meal. It's more startling at work. Without ever feeling spacey, I'll lay down an experiment and wander off. Or worse - continue working while "gone." I find myself at step 14, tube in hand, when last thing I recal I was at step 9. That particular experiment had to be redone.
I try to put events back together when I "wake up" (or actually - go back into this dream). There is utterly Nothingness on either side.
Time is something I get off of the clock. I've lost the feel to some extent. How can we make being in the Now a practice? That's actually all that there is. (This struck me as very funny.)
And every word is distortion. And confusing. SO, I am going to clip and paste. I can't edit. Too hard. Too confusing.
But, recording might be of some help. So here is what I found today:
Note January 9, 2009:
Sent this to Mary. (Did I really? - I don't think so)
Want to make additional comments. Been enjoying the song “Suddenly I see”
I was writing Becky just now and she'd asked some things... anyway here's part of my response and I realized I wanted to tell you too - though it is really carpool material - somehow it doesn't seem "right" to bring up (or actually it didn't cross my mind as germane to anything) but, having written it, I'd like you to know. It's been such a curious spot to be in - curious and at the same time not worth mentioning - which is curious too to me... so here's what i wrote:
Had my first actual breakfast today which is good sign for the stomach.
LOTS of energy pouring in? Virus? Both? Certainly energy...
A bit confusing as to whether I am totally ungrounded (doesn't quite seem like that) or no longer existing (obviously, I exist - existing here and/but everywhere too). I think it may be just the light shredding the knots in the fabric of ego.
Am watching very closely what is just a habit and can be let go. And if I insist upon maintaining the habit - what happens? Universe does not support. So next time, just let it go.
Was sitting the other day at the kitchen table puzzling over the strange feeling permeating my body. Was surprised to see it was Love. But not any love I had ever felt before or even recognized as Love, so why use that word? So, I looked again. This time it was Joy... but it was not joyous. Then I started laughing. Maharishi used to say "Bliss is not blissful." Now I understood. And the Love that was so strange to be calling love was strange because it was not loving. Words can't really get it. ... another habit to just let go... trying to explain anything.
Better to just pass on happy songs. Then the Joy is joyous and the Love is loving and it all kind of rolls along.
Re: doesn’t seem right. Ego is a habit (a collection of habits) – so if you’re dropping habits by feeling right/wrong you’ll notice it doesn’t feel right to focus on the “me, me, me” of experience. It hurts. “Division hurts” been thinking on that too. The I wants to disappear and “me, me, me” hurts – almost physically.
Addendum 2/16/09: And who is this “I” – First answer is “I don’t know.” Look closer- Emptiness, a false construct wants to do a header into Nothingness and disappear. Anything else is a Lie. It "division hurts" as the effort goes counter the entire flow of the Universe.
And I think this next part is just notes I made to myself.
Universe doesn’t support: the other day I sent email to Mary & Lily about sadness in finding picture of Becky & Annie in the snow. I Knew I shouldn’t bother writing out the complaint. But I did anyway. No reply. Writing just prolonged the wallow.
Complaining is a habit. Which is not to say, ego doesn’t have to first learn to speak up about what hurts. When it learns to speak, then it can move on to learning it doesn’t matter.
Why the habit is a habit? A body/nervous system filled with stress/impurities/ lacking contact with Being registers an experience as if a line has been etched deeply into rock. So: Grief makes an impression – on a physical level (“The Body Remembers”) Grief can be released, healed forgotten, moved on from… but it requires a lot of time and energy, as if the rock must be ground away.
But, as the stresses go, purity rises, Being becomes infused into the system – literally a new body is created and the physical body changes. Now, when an impression in made, “Grief” is experienced… it’s as if the impression, the experience is registered as a stick drawn through the water. Yes. I experience grief… and then it’s gone. Think this is impossible? Watch a baby move through the day. Catastrophe, tears, and two minutes later… delight. No problem.
As you change, have to be alert to the habit of being upset for long periods. Yes, you can still experience deeply – a stick can reach into the water to a far greater extent that it can etched into a stone – and then the experience is cleared and ready for the next moment…. To be whatever it may be.
What feels right and innocent and moving – rather than put into words, which holds onto a transient experience – better just to play. Send the songs you find, share, listen to what others are saying. Listen, don’t talk, let others express what you would say. Music, cartoons, serving hot soup. Love and Joy then become loving and joyous.
Who am I – I have a physical body – that’s not the real me, though I hang around the place – my true body is infinite Love, infinite Joy. There is a body of this – it permeates and transmutes the physical.
The words to label this transcendent body will fool you. I bet you’d find another word every time you look. Someone said “I am Surrender.” Surrender is not something we do. It is what we are. Love, Joy, Surrender – none of them are verbs. They are the un-nameable infinite Nothingness.
This body, the true you coincides with physical body that will always have personal preferences.
Best not to look or speak – at this point looking too closely into all this makes the energy too intense. So, in a way, I’ve been avoiding. But, I know it’s going on – like a freight train. The Universe is rolling through … I was going to say "me." But, actually, I saw – I am rolling through me. "Self unfolds itself, by itself, to itself."
Added ~2 hrs later... Ohh. I just noticed this note is dated Janurary 9th - not February 9th.
I give up. I'm leaving it here. I give up. This is just how life is boys and girls. Mostly a swirl. Better if I stay quiet.