Monday, February 09, 2009

Signing Off

Midnight. No waves,
no wind, the empty boat
is flooded with moonlight
.
Dogen

I sat down with Suzanne Segal’s Collision with the Infinite specifically to find the passage she has about playing the part of an actor on stage.
I was searching for those words because I knew that the ones in my own head,
“And finally he sat down upon a rock
and there he died…”
while expressing exactly the exhaustion of my soul, had no elegance and were not a poem.
(Does Chaucer have some rooster dying somewhere? I know those words are out there.)
Anyway…

I searched and searched Suzanne’s book and never found the passage that I sought.
But, I did find Dogen.
And he brought tears to my eyes.
Close enough. Go with that.

I need to take a break from writing because I need to stop creating for a while.
I have found it impossible to complete anything and yet I keep making these attempts.
It might be nice to stop this struggle – it’s as hopeless as a fish hauled upon the bank continuing to flop.
There’s no way back into the creek.
There’s no point to struggle against the game that will play out.
So, let it go.
Let it go.

And here I'm not thinking so much about a paragraph as I am a sense of self.

Suzanne’s book also has these words of Rumi.
For years I pulled my own existence
out of emptiness…

That one line captures another element of what’s unfolding for me now.
I’m dog tired of hauling a false self up and out of Emptiness.

Mostly all that gets created is a lot of suffering, as well as clever chatty personae. I find it all exhausting.
And while I think this blog and blogging has been useful and enjoyable,
the effort seems counter-productive to me now.
Right now the next step for me is to play like a balloon and finally loose all that hot air.
Writing requires me to purse my lips and exhaling re-inflate that which needs to just
“blow off into emptiness.”

Don't worry. Everything continues just fine without me. I get to drive to work and do all the things I ususally do - playing out the greatest, silliest joke of total Impossibility, until once more I manage to haul my sorry ass back out into duality and create yet another drama.

Not so long ago, I was given an opportunity to receive a spiritual blessing.
While waiting for my turn, mind started chattering. "What do I want?" "What do I need?" "What am I missing here?"
Suddenly, I realized I have been blessed beyond all expectations.
I have received Everything, all that anyone is ever given.
And I got this long ago. I gave my life that night in gratitude and in all the intervening years, a spinning lifetime of drama, trauma, laughter and tears, the blessings of the Universe were always there. Though often I forgot,
I have been in need of Nothing.

So, I took the opportunity to bow my head.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
Three by three it went.

And I think that is just enough for now. ...Thank you!
Also know – I could change my mind tomorrow. And I probably will post again. Not just this right now.

4 comments:

HystericalBoredom said...

Bravo!

Anonymous said...

thanks patty, it's been a hell of a ride. mara

Anonymous said...

exhaution. yes i understand that - i stopped writing too - a while ago! and i hadn't visited here for some time but for this whole week i had this nagging feeling that i must visit you here, i felt compelled and now i know why...

the journey will continue and perhaps our paths shall cross again sometime somewhere...

god bless.
anjali/pincushion
www.painauchocolat.blogspot.com

Pat Bralley said...

OK guys, thank you all very much for your comments, for your emails... please, NO MORE.
Fell into bed laughing the other night - I've created the very thing I hoped to avoid. Hopeless, embarrassing mess. I must look up "The Wisdom of No Escape" -there appears to be no way out but forward. I will try to document that insanity with sincerity. Cause I think it's a pretty common and confusing path - and if you're here, you may just understand.
Thank you all. You're very dear.