Of course I do exist.
But, those words coming up force a moment’s self reflection.
I don’t seem so attached to the “me and mind” of life that now surrounds me.
Last year so much of my external world was stripped from me. I lost my little dog of 15 years. I lost my partner of 20 years. I lost the house in which we'd lived for almost as long. I lost the "we" and became much more an "I."
I’ve tried hard to replace things. The new retro-bathroom replaced the Arts and Crafts. Somethimes when Bennie puts his muzzle up against my face and his soft breath warms my cheeks< I get confused and think it's Annie. But he’s not her. And I try to keep that straight and love him for his own sweet being. Becky and I still talk almost every day and get along just fine. But she’s no longer there when I settle down to sleep. She’s not there in the morning. She’s not there to share all the little comments on the daily do.
So much is no longer there.
The world I lived in a year ago no longer exists. Memories grow distant almost exponentially. And in its place are those light mint tiles.
Silent, cool and still too new to really register as “mine.”
A while back, Becky asked me if I could find any blessing in our having parted. Well, I could make a short list if pressed. But intellectual understanding aside, in all honesty it hasn’t felt that great. I’d not have chosen this. My new life was forced upon me by Becky, and through her by the Universe. And you have to go with what you get.
But then, all these strange thoughts started; strange thoughts that are actually goods signs of going deeper, good signs of waking up.
I think that removing so much of the structure from my life has removed much of what I have falsely identified as “me.”
I've had a cleansing of the windows of perception allowing my true self to shine through more unavoidably.
It can be the Strangest Blessing.
I think of the people in New Orleans. I think of my friend, Mary. Huge, gruel loss may be a universal. I believe the term Adyashanti applied to this quality of the Universe is “ruthlessly caring.” I’ve been talking with Mary about it being “radical.” I think that word encapsule enough challenges for me.
Such a blessing. Radical and strange. Lose just enough to strip your soul naked, but not enough to make you just give up… Not that Mary and the folks from New Orleans have been defeated. It’s just that some folks seem to have to stagger on through desolation longer.
I was lucky. I was blessed.
I got the Momma Bear chair of grief, “Just right.”