Monday, January 15, 2007

Strange Thoughts, Strange Blessing

Originally uploaded by backyard_flower.

I’ve been having strange thoughts. So, what else is new? Well, these are stranger than most the odd things rolling round inside my head. These thoughts, coming unbidden have made me sit up and pay attention.

The first strange one occurred a few months ago. I was soaking in the tub and staring at the bathroom tiles. They are this retro light lime green. They are quite a contrast to the floor with its 5” X 5” black and white squares. This is not a bathroom interior I’d have ever chosen. I bought this house for the kitchen area. But, the bathroom tiles have grown on me. They’re actually kind of soothing and I've fallen into the habit of lying in the tub and staring at the tile and the play of light on white porcelain accessories. I find this practice soothing, yet the scene feels unfamiliar. It doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. So while I lay there soaking, relaxed, yet puzzled by the lack of familiarity I had the thought, “Who are you?”

I didn’t see the answer coming and it shocked me by its radical strangeness: “I am a habit waiting to be dropped.”

Having heard myself think that, I shifted in the tub.

What did I meant by that? I'm a habit?

I had realized in that moment that I maintained my entire existence simply due to habit, and somewhere deep inside I was getting ready to just let that go of doing that.

The insight worried me. It hinted at more change than I felt comfortable admitting. If I were to drop the maintenance it felt like everything would dissappear. Ooooh, dear!

But, as I say, that was months ago and as far as I can tell, I haven’t dropped a thing- aside from the usual tubes and caps and other small things you really want to hold onto.